Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
