God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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