We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
