note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
