Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
this hospital has no fireball
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
