Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
