The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Houston, we have a squirter
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
