You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
