Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
