If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
