dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
