the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
