Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
