I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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