They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
