where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
