Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
