So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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