Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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