Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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