I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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