It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
