Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
