So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
PANTIES FOUND
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