I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
