Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
