if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
