1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
