His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
