from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
