i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
