Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
