Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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