I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's just like the Real World with babies
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
