But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
