fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
