It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
