Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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