it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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