I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
