someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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