They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
