I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
