I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
