Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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