just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
