got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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