So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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