She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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