I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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