I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
