So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
