My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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