he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
